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I flew to East Midlands Airport with Ryanair with me younger brother Bopper, me cousin Anita and Anita’s 2 kids, Pola and Amiya. Alton Towers is near a little village called Alton and a JCB factory.
Well obviously the best places to stay are the 2 hotels that are in Alton Towers. There’s the Alton Towers Hotel and there’s Splash Landings where we stayed. The Alton Towers Hotel is mafis and it’s all based around some weird inventor fella that invented Alton Towers years ago. There does be shows on of an evenin’ for the kids and there’s restaurants for them to eat and that kinda thing. Splash Landin’s is only bleedin’ deadly. It’s like you’re in that film Cool Runnin’s only the bit when they’re in Jamaica and not in the snow although it did bleedin’ snow when we were comin’ home but what do ya expect when ya go to England for your holidays? If ya don’t wanna stay in Alton Towers, ya could always stay in Stoke or Birmingham or Manchester and go from there. I won’t lie though, Alton Towers is in the middle of jayzisin’ nowhere! It worse than Carlow.
There’s loads of places to eat in the 2 hotels and the food does be only the image of mafis. It’s all stuff that I’d be well of and none of that posh crap. Ya can even get a lovely buffet and ya know me and a spread. There’s loads of lovely places to eat in the theme park as well. There’s Burger King and KFC and Pizza Hut and there’s little stalls that sell popcorn and candy floss and shite like that so there’s no way ya’ll go hungry. The only thing is but, be careful what ya go on after ya eat coz ya wouldn’t be well of seein’ your Chicken Royale after a go on Submission! Either would the fella beside ya who gets it all over his face!
Well that’s the thing about goin’ somewhere like Alton Towers to be honest is that it’s not really a drinkin’ holiday. I mean, I could hardly get locked and get up the next mornin’ to go on Rita! That’d do nothin’ for your hangover. Meself, Anita and Bopper had a few light refreshments one of the evenin’s but that was it. Although let’s not lie, we brought 3 bottles of Tesco vodka with us.
Well this is a bit bleedin’ obvious isn’t it? Why else would ya go to Alton Towers but to get on the rides? And when I say rides, let me tell ya, this is no Funderland!! There’s the five big rollercoasters and they’re only bleedin’ rapid! Nemesis is this one where ya hang down and it’s built into the ground and it’s like you're hittin’ the walls. Me brother Bopper was very well of it. It’s deadly lookin’ down at it when you’re standin’ in the queue. Air was me own favourite. They lift ya back like you’re Superman and it’s like you’re flyin’. Then there’s Rita and they just launch ya really fast and I was very nearly claimin’ for whiplash only it was great craic. Oblivion is the one where ya go to the top and then they just drop ya. I’m not jokin’ ya, I was only short of needin’ a change of knickers I was that scared. 13 is gas coz ya get dropped into this crypt and then go flyin’ backwards out of it. There’s some other good ones like Hex that makes ya dizzy and Ripsaw and that. Go on bleedin’ everything though. There’s loads for the kids as well. Pola and Amiya loved it though. They were very well of Old MacDonalds Farm and Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. There’s a deadly crazy golf place as well near the hotels and there’s a spa. Actually the place was full of spas.
Don’t wear sandels or anything that might fall off when you’re on the rides. Don’t bring a packed lunch, that’s for nerds and don’t push people into the lake at Mutiny Bay or you’ll get thrown out. Told ya Bopper!
