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When Gloria Holle was captured by terrorists, meself and Charmin flew off tryin’ to rescue her, which, lookin’ back on it was kinda stupid. We flew with Ethiad Airlines via Abu Dhabi where they picked up a few nice bits for the Easter break.
Well Yemen isn’t really a place for tourists to be goin’ normally and let’s not lie, I’d never even heard of the place so I hadn’t a bleedin’ breeze what to expect. Needless to say, the hotels weren’t what we’d be used to at home or even in Santa Ponsa like. We stayed in the Central Hotel in Sana where we were joined in the room by about 4 million ants, a gheko called Lionel that I smuggled in from Abu Dhabi in a tubaware container and a few times by the maid, sometimes wearin’ cloths and sometimes not, which I’m sure musn’t be part of her religion. We did the bit of investigatin’ about where to find Gloria and ended up in some bleedin’ mad place called Aden, which was near the sea, although maybe it was a very big lake. We met a lovely family on a very packed train (think the Luas from Tallaght at 8 in the mornin’ on the hottest day of the year) from Sana and they made us stay in their house with them and their 14 children, however just to be warned, it’s much harder to smuggle Yemenese children out of the country than ghekos.
Believe it or not, there’s a McDonalds in Sana and Aden although apart from that, there’s not much else. Not even an Abrakebabra. The mad family we stayed with did try to feed us a few times but after seein’ what they put into meatballs, we tried to avoid it. It reminded Charmin too much of Rick’s on Dame Street. She even ended up with the same type of dose of the Sonia O’Sullivans she usually gets after a Rick’s taco fries. We did manage to find a decent place sellin’ lovely ice cream near the beach. The Yemenese word for ice cream is fanni. Charmin spent many a nice day on the beach licking her fanni, although more than once, her fanni dribbled onto her bathing suit leaving a stain that not even Yemenish Daz could remove.
Aden isn’t great to be honest when it comes to nightlife although there are some places to go if ya look hard enough. Murphy’s Irish Bar is near the beach although none of the staff or people drinkin’ there were Irish. Well except us. We met a Norwegian called Engburt who was very fat. He kept on payin’ for everything for the night and we thought it would be very rude not to let him. We were on the double vodkas all night and had to be carried home by Engburt, 3 locals and a camel. Another evenin’ we found a nightclub called Aladdin’s Cave where we found no lamps or genies but we did come across Arabian tobacco, the filthiest toilets I’ve seen since the FÁS Centre in Crumlin and the filthiest old men I’ve met since that time I walked into the Drake in Finglas one Wednesday afternoon. Geri Halliwell and the Nolans are huge dancefloor fillers in Yemen.
Well the main purpose of the visit was to find Gloria Holle so as you can imagine, we spent most of our time on the beach. Yemen is hot although goin’ topless isn’t a good idea as Charmin found out when she was arrested and taken to Aden’s version of the Bridewell. She did eventually manage to bribe the police (with sexual favours) and the whole thing was forgotten about. Camel racin’ is a very popular hobby in Yemen. So is laser tag.
Don’t feed ghekos Yemenesi meatballs coz we’re still mournin’ the loss of Lionel. Don’t make the mistake of thinkin’ Yemen is in Saudi Irania especially in a crowded bar full of Aden United football supporters and a Norwegian named Engburt.
We sadly didn’t rescue Gloria Holle however she did turn up a few days after we arrived home, safe and well and half naked in the Blanchardstown Shoppin’ Centre. The terrorists turned out to be 2 half-Italians from bray and a lesbian called Sandra who it seems had no dealin’s with Gloria other than a bit of hash and half a bottle of vodka.
