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After our few days in Prague, we were taken on a coach into the mountains for the rest of the week to a place called Snezka. Clearly I’d never heard of it before. It was definitely in the Czech Republic though and I’d imagine it still is.
We were stayin’ in this big winter log cabin yoke halfway up the mountain. Now I won't lie to yiz, I was expectin' a shed but I was surprised when I got there. Mafis isn't the word. The place was real bright and roomy and right beside the ski-slopes and more importantly, the nearest off-licence. Thank god the cabin had the digital as well coz the lads don’t be well of missin' a Celtic match. Of course not everyone can afford their own log cabins, although in fairness neither could we only we were with the school and there was a load of us, so ya can find loads of hotels what do cater for different tastes and budgets in the usual ski brochoores and that kinda thing. Meself, I'd recommend the SkyHotel. It’s this big huge mother of a high rise hotel in the middle of the ski resort! Gas. It’s very snazzy and the penthouse has a swimmin' pool on the roof. I should know coz I left me knickers in it one night after sneakin’ in and I walked home with me bits frozen off me.
Ya can’t go very far wrong with McDonalds can ya? No matter where ya are like? There was one just across the road from us but be very careful not to run across when it’s icy, especially when you’re carryin' 2 Big Mac meals, a Happy Meal and 3 Smarties McFlurrys as Bernie found out the hard way. It took 3 hours to remove the McFlurry spoon and she still finds walkin' painful sometimes. For some mad reason, we found 3 Hagen Dazs Cafes and a Ben and Jerry's in the resort and were wonderin' who in the name of God eats ice cream when they're skiin' although in fairness there's loads of Americans around and they'd eat anythin'. The local supermarket is great for pickin' up a few bits if you’re not into cookin' or are just too lazy. It'd be far from a Eurospar though. They don't have a deli counter and I'd have been well of a chicken goujon roll on more than one occasion durin' the week. Don't eat in Sam and Ellas. Some ugly Canadian girl says it does make ya sick!
Drink is a lot cheaper in the offo so if, like ourselves, ya have your own log cabin I'd recommend ya buy a lot of drink before you go out and try get as drunk as possible before hittin' the town (or the ground when ya slip on the ice on the way to the pub). Don’t let your teachers catch ya if you’re with the school although ours were out every night themselves so didn’t really notice. Bernie's a whizz with the blender and made us these deadly cocktails what got us real locked although we missed the Fairy Liquid later when we were cleanin' the dishes and we weren't too sure that Deep Heat is a good substitute for Malibu. Bars and clubs in Snezka are real expensive so I'd say the best advise would be to find a fat ugly German to buy your drinks for ya and then ditch him by pretendin' ya need to go the jaxx or that ya have crabs. This one night, Tracy managed to get 6 rounds of drinks for all of us (us what met up with a few youngones from Newcastle like), a new pair of ski boots and a very expensive looking Rolex only for us to bump into the same fella the next day on the slope although due to a very unfortunate accident, he was airlifted to Prague, god love him. Now I swear, the ski pole slipped through his shoulder by accident and I didn't even throw it hard. The Basement club in the SkyHotel is amazin' although I was always so drunk when I got there that it might not have been. For legal reasons, I don’t condone drinkin' on school trips. I don’t know what condone means but I was told to write that.
Well ski obviously! What else would ya go on a skiin' holiday for? That and drinkin'. If skiin' isn’t your thing, ya could check out some of the local landmarks, although they're all covered in snow so that’s no use in fairness. Ya could also sit on the side of the mountain freezin' to death and laughin' at the Americans crashin' into trees and stops signs. That was the highlight for meself although not so much when it happened to me. Be sure to wear protection when you're out skiin', and by that I mean warm clothes and not half a packet of Durex. Remember – Safe Ski. Oh and ya can't bobsled in Snezka! RAGIN'!
Get off the ski lift in the right place coz it’s a lot harder when you're half way down the other side. Never eat yellow snow and never ever eat red snow, especially if it wasn't red before the ugly Canadian girl sat down. Mind ya don't take someone’s eye out with a ski pole and never sit on McFlurry spoons either accidently on purpose. Don't jump down a mountain shoutin' COOL RUNNIN'S when you're drunk either. Jayzis them 2 poor youngones from Newcastle still haven't been found. They'll be eatin' each other on the side of the mountain like in that Alive film. Gas!
